Continuing on the theme of self-directed change (change that doesn’t come as a request or demand from someone else), how do I know I want to change? What is happening that I need to pay attention to?

I’ll give you two personal examples. Last Friday my husband and I went on a double date with one of my daughters and her partner. In the car on the way to the event we chose as our destination my daughter said that one of her sisters had inherited the worst of both of her parents–a lack of self-reflection from her dad (not my husband) and my anxieties. This was just one post-it, one data point on the way to change. If my anxiety is the “worst” of my traits according to one intimate observer, and it is also one that makes me suffer internally, then that is a thing that “bubbles up” as a possible change initiative.

The other example is a recent story I heard about my husband’s ex-wife. At first, I felt self-righteous about the story. I would never do what she did. Then I remembered that I had done the same or similar things. Then I felt envy. I wanted to do those same or similar things again. Then I wondered why this story was causing me so much pain. It had nothing to do with me!  I think the cause comes down to comparing myself to others, specifically comparing my insides (my desires, hopes, fantasies) with others’ outsides (what looks to me to be exciting, desirable, and fulfilling). This comparing is probably related to my anxiety, and is something I know I want to change.

What are you noticing about yourself that causes you to feel uncomfortable, or produces some niggling feeling that you are in some way less than you want to be–for yourself?

How do any of us know we’re ready to change? I’d bet that nine times out of ten it isn’t when somebody else wants us to change. I know that has been true for me! Yet I’d also bet that for most of your corporate or business life, others have thought that was a perfectly good motivator! Now that you’re somewhere near the transition that makes a bit more space in your life (kids leaving home for college or job, your own job that isn’t 24/7 anymore) perhaps there is a change you want to make. Maybe you want to grow a beard, learn to ride a bike, lose 20 pounds because you want to do it. I think that later in life this motivation for change comes from three places–passion, desire, or renewal. In the weeks to come I’ll be talking about each of these as motivator. For now, what changes would you like to make if you thought they would create energy, provide fun, and make you happy? We’ll also be talking about a method that does all three of these things.

In my last post I told you that I’d embarked on a year-long change process. At first I thought I’d read so much and been a coach so long myself that I could change the three things I wanted to change (weight, relationship, and level of anxiety) on my own. But, after four months of promising my doctor that I’d lose five pounds with no progress, I decided to rethink this.

I belong to East Bay Coaches, the San Francisco Bay area chapter associated with the International Coach Federation. At the May meeting I sat next to Jamie Davidson. Now, I knew that Jamie was cheerful, charming, and whippet thin. I also knew that she had been the programming chair the year before which included the responsibility to bring food to the meetings. I knew she brought healthy food. I also knew she was a lifestyle coach. With the proverbial slap to my forehead, I thought, ask Jamie to help you with your weight! I did.

We agreed to talk the following week. She was a born strategist and an intuitive positive psychologist. I wanted to use only positive methods to change so she checked on this important requirement. We strategized about a vacation I was about to take. It was a cruise to Alaska from San Francisco. “Impossible!” you say to losing weight on a cruise ship. Well, you may be right. But I didn’t gain any. I saw that as a triumph.

Since the end of May I have lost 11 pounds. I feel better in my clothes. I have more energy. And I love working with Jamie. She always looks for my successes. She always celebrates my achievements. She has great ideas and suggestions, and is more than willing to listen and learn. She’s got nutrition credentials and when I need them, she offers good food advice. Mostly though, we don’t talk about food. We talk about life and how to live it well.

That’s my big goal as a transitioning Baby Boomer. To be happier. I’ve found that coaching can help.

The title of this blog is not original and belongs to a wonderful coach and wise man, Howard Stone. I’m certified in his method of coaching. I used it here to bring a life stage to the forefront of both my blogging and my coaching.

Is 60 too old to change?

Not bloody likely, as my first husband might have said. I can’t imagine retiring from activities and work I love and continue to enjoy. However, at 60+ I’m ready to say no to a whole lot of things I have done out of duty or a need to earn money, or because my mother thought I should.

But am I too old to change?

I have embarked on a year long quest to significantly change three things that have been recurring for too many decades.

1. I want to lose 30 pounds. I’ve been up and down these 30 pounds for years. My photo albums and my closet attest to this.

2. I want to have a more peaceful and nurturing intimate relationship (with my husband). He’s not the first, and I really want him to be the last.

3. I want to reduce the knots in my shoulders, the knee jerk responses I give to people, and the discomfort I often feel in unfamiliar situations. In short, I’d like to reduce the general level of anxiety I feel.

In an effort to both hold myself accountable and make the journey more fun and creative, I’ve hired two coaches for 1 and 2 above. For the third, I want to increase my very spotty meditation practice to a daily practice. You’ll be hearing more about this journey, how I picked my coaches, and how my practice is going as the weeks and months go by.

As I am now working on a new book project and using not one but two different coaches for the project, I’m particularly aware of the power of questions. It doesn’t really matter what your specific goals are in relation to these questions. the answers can be applied to your experiments and practices leading to success. Some questions that have been helpful to me are…

• What are you doing in your life that you truly enjoy? It helps me to keep a journal. I know that some of you think that sounds much more like an obligation than fun. A scrap of of paper will do. Jot down three things you enjoy

• What percentage of your time is devoted to the activities you truly enjoy? How much time you get to do the things you enjoy? My son in law is a beautiful golfer. He didn’t play at all when his son was a baby. Now he plays most Saturdays. Given a job that takes most of the other six days of the week, this is how he stays sane.

• Since we all have obligations, and these obligations aren’t necessarily among the things you’d describe as truly enjoyable, how do you engage with those obligations to include colleagues you like, activities you’re good at, or time that you can limit so that you DO have time for the things you enjoy? Now jot down two or three obligations. How could you either make them more fun, or limit them?

• Where is your list of your own talents and skills? Make a list of ten (at least) talents and skills. Keep this someplace where you can look at it, and look at it when the world doesn’t value your talents as much as it should.

• For what or whom are you grateful (your cat, your relationship with friends, your boss, your children, a long run, a project carefully completed)? Make a list of ten things (at least) that you are  grateful for.  I am grateful for my friends and family, the view from my deck of San Francisco Bay, the pool in which I swim three times a week, my students.  Keep this list someplace where you can see it (next to your list of talents and skills?) so that when you are feeling particularly wronged or ungrateful you can remind yourself that there is much that is right in the world.

Happy list making!