I’ve been writing recently about strengthening inner resources even when these resources are challenged. One way to strengthen the inner core, what Greg Nelson (www.flyagaincoaching.com) calls our “ballast,” is to enhance our self efficacy. Self efficacy means (to me) our core belief in ourselves. It is bigger than self-confidence, which for me tends to be situational, and is more like acceptance and celebration of who I am. This morning one of my academic colleagues, Darlene Van Tiem, sent me this story:

Think back to when you were in high school or your child was in high school. You may have wanted to go out for a sport in order to get a letter. You began thinking - “What sports might I consider? I could do baseball, but I am not good at batting. I could do swimming, but my legs are not strong for kicking. I could do golf, I get excellent scores. Which would you choose? You could choose the biggest problem area - why not? Don’t we want to resolve our problems? Or would you choose the sport that you are already good at and then make it better? Of course, everyone says the sport that you are already good at. Then, I ask them
to think about life. If you were terrible at fixing your car and it was a big problem area, would you do a major repair yourself or take your car to an expert? How about barbecuing, if you are good at outdoor cooking, would you invite people over for a picnic? In real life, don’t we all build on our strengths?

I believe that building on strengths also builds self efficacy, and building self efficacy strengthens this inner knowing that we are uniquely suited to fulfill OUR purpose in this world, whatever that purpose is. As we get older–older than 40–perhaps, we often see that we are happiest doing certain things, being in certain situations, and with certain people all of which nurture us in some way. We probably do this unconsciously. By the time we are approaching 60 we might be pretty secure, or even stuck in these activities, situations and relationships. What new way might you see to enhance your skills, talents and self-efficacy to more closely or completely express your purpose?

After my last post I received this message from one of my clients: “Sara, thanks for sharing this. You may also want to consider - will I be proud of myself and of the work I performed even if I or my work is considered a failure by others? We seem to place so much self-worth on the expectations and perceptions of others that we can easily lose our own voice.”

This is a profound response to my original thinking about self-worth and self-actualization and it has made me think more deeply about pride and self-worth. My deepest struggle over the last two years has been around an issue where some others see me as unprincipled. The pull of this perception has been very strong. There have been many days when I questioned my own intentions and actions with the issue and people in question. So many others have encouraged me to lay it down. I have been able to do so for long or short periods of time. As I look at this issue in light of my client’s deeply felt response to my “water line” post, I see that one of the hardest challenges of being proud of myself may be in letting go of the perception of failure by others. My voice was lost in reactive flailing for over a year. It was further lost in protective silence. If I have learned nothing else in this period, I have learned to be ever watchful that I do not do this intentionally to others who may be my clients, friends, students, or family.

And, joy of joys, little proud peeps are emerging.

In the last two weeks I’ve been especially aware of the climate change in Northern California. After putting all of my summer clothes away, the heat has stayed, and stayed, and stayed. A picture in this morning’s San Francisco Chronicle shows waves lapping over the causeway to the Richmond Bridge (transit from the East Bay to the North Bay) as a result of rising water levels in the Bay. So I’m particularly aware of water lines right now.

I was introduced to another facet of this water line business last night at East Bay Coaches, by our speaker, Greg Nelson (Fly Again Coaching, www.flyagaincoaching.com). As a sailor, he looks at water lines as a demarcation of what people can see (sails, mast, boom) and what people can’t (keel, most of the hull). He equates what is above the line with what we show to the world (our image) with what we show to ourselves (our soul, our spirit, our values, purpose and dreams).

It is only in my 65th year that I am moving my attention from what’s above the water line (how I look to the world) to below (how I look to me). I still care about how I look to the world. I’m a clothes horse, a hair experimenter, and a public speaker. But I care less than I have in the past. When we were asked to write a purpose statement last night I wrote: I want to be a person I’M proud of. How will I know that this is true? I will ask myself before I do anything, “Will I be proud of how I acted when this is done?” What is your purpose statement and how does it relate to your water line?