Marriage and Positivity

I’m not a lifer in one marriage. I could write pages and pages about why I think marriage, a solid one, has been outside my grasp. I married a man I thought was the smartest, handsomest, most entertaining person in my world at 19. At 19 one’s world is quite small. We had three wonderful daughters together. At 36 I divorced him–for many of the same reasons I’d married him.

At 44 I married again–a man who seemed the opposite of my first husband–serious, spiritual, affectionate, and a loving father to two teenaged sons. The sons lived with us. I won’t pretend I was a great stepmother. I also won’t pretend that I loved coming third in every decision. The pre-marital deal was the boys had to live on their own after college. When he said he had changed his mind after both boys/men had graduated from college, that he wanted them to live with us for as long as they wished, I left.

I married again at 59. I tell everyone Murray is my third and last husband. He has three adult children who live nearby, and four grandchildren we love. He comes from a long line of raging men. He kept that rage carefully in check when we were dating. Not so much when we began to live together. I knew, when I married him that his rage was part of the package. I also knew his children and grandchildren would be part of our circle. I wish my own children were geographically close. One of my three daughters is 20 minutes away. The other two are half a continent away as is my beloved grandson.

I’ve learned, only in the last few years, to hold my tongue rather than to respond to Murray out of hurt and defensiveness. I’ve learned, instead, to see how things develop. Holding my tongue often diverts Murray’s rage, but not always. I’ve learned to be grateful for every day and to look for beauty in each one. I try to get along instead of arguing. I’ve found this does not destroy my autonomy, but expands it. Perhaps most importantly though, when I am doing these things, I see the goodness in Murray. I see his generosity to family, mine and his. I see his loyalty, his dutifulness to those he loves, and his intention to be a man of honor.