Rule 8 for Flourishing: LOVE someone or some being

I love my grandson, Lachlan.  He is 7.  Since he was 2 he has come to California from Minnesota for two weeks in the summer.  He is an only child and used to getting all of his Aunt Blake (who lives nearby) and his grandma’s attention. I love to listen to him talk to my husband and love to hear him laugh.  I love to watch him run on his awkward, 7-year-old legs. When his father or mother, my husband or my other daughter disciplines him, I have to turn away because it breaks my heart.  He is mostly such a good boy and so precious to me.  I love him wholeheartedly and unconditionally, as my grandmother loved me, and as my mother loves Lachlan’s mother, her first grandchild.

I loved my cat Solomon.  I never intended to have a cat.  I was a dog person.  But my second husband was a cat person and we had his and her cats.  When I left him, he asked me to take my cat, Solomon.  No one but me loved Solomon.  He had no personality.  He was a 16 pound, long-haired, black cat.  But he loved me, and I loved him.  When I was sick or sad, Solomon would curl up between my collar bone and my chin and purr.  When I traveled, even though I would have someone visit and feed him, he’d pay me back for leaving him by pooping all over my house.  As I said, no one but me loved Solomon.  My present (las) husband does not like or understand pets.  Yet he was smart enough to know that if he wanted me, Solomon was part of the deal.  He never complained and drove me to the vets with Solomon when Solomon had to leave this world.

I love my husband, and my daughters and step-daughter.  I love my step-sons, my brothers and my mother.  These are more complicated relastionships, though.  Even so, I consider myself very, very fortunate to have been able to love each of these someones, or beings, and know that they are the major reason I flourish.

Rule 7 for Flourishing: Control Your Decisions Rather than your Wishes

I’ve been a chef and a stockbroker, a non-profit director, and a bank vice president.  I am now a teacher and a writer.  For as long as I made decisions because I wished to please someone else, or wished to make more money, or wished to have more control, I was happy or satisfied in my life and career for as long as it took for me to realize that whoever I wished to please didn’t really care about my “gift” to them.

About 9 months ago I went through a program called Living Your Vision with wonderful facilitator and friend Eydie Watts.  In the course of a weekend with six wonderful colleagues, I realized that I was driving myself to insanity with too many commitments.  Each of my commitments was to or with someone or something I deeply cared about.  Yet I could not give my full energy and time to any of these because there were just too many of them.  I had two full-time jobs having upped my hours in one and accepted a core faculty position in the other.  I had two board positions in addition to these paid jobs.  And, I hesitate to say it, but I am no spring chicken.  I am in the wisdom years of my life acting like I’m building a career!

Thanks in large part to this program, I decided to make better decisions for myself.  What did I most want to do?  Who did I most want to be at this stage of my life?  Who is most important to me and how would these people know they are important to me?  On the basis of these questions, I shed one job and the two board positions.

I feel so much more peaceful.  I feel like I can give my full attention to both the work and the people who are important to me.  Oh, occasionally I wish I saw more of my colleagues at my other job.  But that is a wish and I know that if I decided to return to that job, all of the balance and joy I feel now would be diminished.

Rule 6 for Flourishing: Value the Unexpected

In many areas of my life, I haven’t been one to go with the flow.  I’m more the dam builder type.  When I go on vacation, alone or with someone else, I want to plan most every minute.  If driving across the country, I want to reserve a motel room for each night before I leave.  You can see that I don’t like to leave much to chance or the unexpected.

Yet, in other areas of my life, I am quite content to have things change.  I have always done presentation work collaboratively and if one of us two or three wants to change what we are going to present or the way we are going to present it, I can hang loose and turn on a dime.  In fact, in this realm, I like unpredictability.

My husband is not a planner and I’ve adapted quite happily to his preference for choosing our activities at the last minute (weekend plans usually).  This has its downside.  We end up doing the same things most weekends, but we enjoy our dinner and movies on Friday night, and family gatherings on Sunday.

There is another, more serious meaning to this rule, however.  What this asks us to do is not only to value the unexpected when it comes along, but to actively seek it.  This morning I was reading a book review in The New York Times about the education crisis in this country.  The reviewer said of the author that his reformist colleagues could be accused of the same kind of “groupthink” of which they accuse their avowed enemy, the Teachers Union.  We must not only be open to others’ points of view  (something few of us seem to be these days), but we must approach these points of view and the people who hold them  with curiosity and appreciation.

Rule 5 for Flourishing: Expect pleasure. It counteracts negative emotions.

I’m going to tell a story on myself.  It is a bad example of this rule.  My birthday is next week.  For the last few years I have visited my mother and brother on the Eastern Shore of Maryland over my birthday week. My husband does not celebrate my birthday and I like the attention I get from my mom and brother. I had decided this year that I had traveled too much and would stay home in California.  My mom called and said she had already talked with my husband and everything was set for us to come for my birthday.  OK, I said.  If he’s game, I”m game (as it turns out he isn’t).

The reason my mom said she wanted us to come, aside from my birthday, was that she had something she wanted to speak to all three of her children about and didn’t want to do that on the phone, only face to face.  So, my brothers and I began speculating.  We Skyped and emailed and phoned.  Some of our guesses were silly (mom’s in love–at 92).  Some were serious (money redistribution).  And some were scary (end of life issues).  I spoke with my youngest daughter about these by phone during this week and she was sad.  She told her father about the most dire possibilities, and he immediately called my mother.

I am not married to this man and have not been for 32 years.  Yet he and my mom have a mutual fan club.  My brother emailed me and asked for his address (which I do not have but could easily get) and I went on a rampage.  I called my youngest daughter and gave her a loud, angry piece of my mind for telling her father.

As soon as I got off of the phone I felt badly.  I emailed her to apologize.  I emailed my brothers to let them know that my first husband knew about our speculations.  They didn’t care.  I’ve emailed and called my daughter with more apologies.  She won’t answer.

Here’s the deal.  I wish my mom and my first husband weren’t quite so cozy.  I used to fume about this more regularly.  I thought I’d accepted it.  My blast at my daughter clearly indicates that I have not.  But giving in to those negative emotions only made me feel awful.  I wish I’d gone for a walk instead.

Rule 4 for Flourishing: Attention= Enjoyment

Focusing on something with all of our attention brings enjoyment.  This may not happen instantly.  I need to focus right now on two things I really don’t want to do.  The first is taxes.  I know, I’m late but I did get an extension.  Problem is, my schedule is breathless right up to the October deadline, so I have to do them now.  I don’t use an accountant (my husband is a tax lawyer and figures he knows more about taxes than any accountant) but do use a software program.  Still, I have to organize my records, subtotal all of my categories and enter all my information.  I hate starting.  Once I’m at the computer, though, I find that I enjoy the challenge of the work.

The second task I must do is carefully focus on the competencies and assignments for a leadership course I wrote to be sure they align.  This seems like real busywork, even though I can see the wisdom in it.  I don’t want to comb through each week’s assignments and make sure that they fit with what I said students would learn that week.  But in order to keep my job I have to.  Once I start, I’m sure the task will not be nearly as arduous and boring as I think it will be.

The point here is not to do the things we don’t like to do.  The point is to focus on the things we do with all of our attention.  Buddhist monks are really good at this.  When they are tested during meditation–with their heads all wired up like those pictures of old time permanents for women–neurologists find that the part of the brain that enables them to focus is lit up like the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree.

I’ve already described in Rule 3 that focused activity leads to FLOW.  It also leads to enjoyment, if not while you are collecting travel receipts, well at least while you are following their trail through your tax return.