Leaders in Transition

When we ask how leaders succeed in a new situation, new company, or new industry, we might assume that leaders’ needs and requirements are different from anyone else’s when they are in transition. This is the topic of my presentation to the India Chapter of the International Coach Federation Saturday morning June 11 (Friday night for me, with 12.5 hours difference).

One of my Capella University colleagues, Steven V. Manderscheid, has written an excellent article (New Leader Assimilation, available from the Academy of Human Resource Development) about such transitions. Without giving away my presentation, I want to explore what helps or hinders leaders from being successful in any transition and whether these aids are any different from what might help or hinder the rest of us during times of change.

In Steve’s abstract he wrote that “there are few formal interventions, like a leader assimilation, to help them learn, adapt, and build relationships quickly with their new team.” Isn’t this true of life? What formal interventions are in place to help prospective mothers or fathers learn to be nurturing, effective caregivers? Who teaches couples (whether gay or straight) to “honor each other” as the traditional wedding vows suggest? Some clergy offer pre-marital classes, but how does one know, until one is actually inside an intimate relationship what honoring a specific partner might mean?

Manderscheid goes on to say that leaders from the outside have a harder time transitioning into organizations than leaders promoted from within. Can we also say this about many other kinds of relationships, such as transitioning into a spouse’s family, or becoming a step-parent, or coming into an existing study or support group? There is a certain amount of sniffing that goes on by the existing unit, and auditioning by the new arrival.

He suggests a program of leader assimilation—a onetime program that includes preparation of the leader, dialogue between the leader and her new team, coaching of the leader, and finally, a leader-led dialogue with her team. Something like this happens informally in life. When it doesn’t work well, a coach can help both the existing unit (family, organization, and group) and the new entrant to make smoother transitions into new relationships, and therefore, more effective relationships with the outside world.

Marriage and Positivity

I’m not a lifer in one marriage. I could write pages and pages about why I think marriage, a solid one, has been outside my grasp. I married a man I thought was the smartest, handsomest, most entertaining person in my world at 19. At 19 one’s world is quite small. We had three wonderful daughters together. At 36 I divorced him–for many of the same reasons I’d married him.

At 44 I married again–a man who seemed the opposite of my first husband–serious, spiritual, affectionate, and a loving father to two teenaged sons. The sons lived with us. I won’t pretend I was a great stepmother. I also won’t pretend that I loved coming third in every decision. The pre-marital deal was the boys had to live on their own after college. When he said he had changed his mind after both boys/men had graduated from college, that he wanted them to live with us for as long as they wished, I left.

I married again at 59. I tell everyone Murray is my third and last husband. He has three adult children who live nearby, and four grandchildren we love. He comes from a long line of raging men. He kept that rage carefully in check when we were dating. Not so much when we began to live together. I knew, when I married him that his rage was part of the package. I also knew his children and grandchildren would be part of our circle. I wish my own children were geographically close. One of my three daughters is 20 minutes away. The other two are half a continent away as is my beloved grandson.

I’ve learned, only in the last few years, to hold my tongue rather than to respond to Murray out of hurt and defensiveness. I’ve learned, instead, to see how things develop. Holding my tongue often diverts Murray’s rage, but not always. I’ve learned to be grateful for every day and to look for beauty in each one. I try to get along instead of arguing. I’ve found this does not destroy my autonomy, but expands it. Perhaps most importantly though, when I am doing these things, I see the goodness in Murray. I see his generosity to family, mine and his. I see his loyalty, his dutifulness to those he loves, and his intention to be a man of honor.

Working the Positivity Ratio

I spent part of last week with my mother who will be 91 in three weeks. She lives in her own cottage within a retirement community on the Eastern Shore of Maryland. Her back porch looks out on the Tred Avon River where geese honk all night long. Mom has a theory about why the geese are so extroverted at night (they talk to keep warm, according to her).

She walks, or rather shuffles, with a cane or a walker. But this is the only sign of old age. She still gets dressed for her active and fairly formal social life every day, still gardens–though this is diminishing after two scarey falls last summer–and still enjoys her evening cocktail. She has many friends. She is active in her church and gives sage advice to her children, grandchildren and friends. Her friend Lynn calls her a “force to be reckoned with.”

Although I have not always appreciated all of my mother’s qualities–she can be demanding and petulant, although less so every year–I see her as a model of Barbara Fredrickson’s positivity ratio. My mother lives comfortably in the zone of three positive interactions and emotions for every negative one she has. She is entirely engaged with and loves life.

As I have floundered around looking for a topic to write about, it strikes me that this ratio–one that I teach about, and see so clearly in my mother–combined with the values work I wrote about previously, is the combination I’ll blog about. I’ll try in 2011 to find my own sweet spot, my own 3:1 that aligns with my values and increases my own sense of aliveness.

Is it ever too late to find out who we are?

As part of the personal development community to which I belong (www.secondwindsf.org), I’ve begun a values clarification workshop. I didn’t expect much from it as I’ve both participated in and lead similar workshops before. Yet I was moved to begin to examine a largely unexamined life. At 67, I am tired of working all the time, but not sure what it is that I want to do instead of or in addition to work.

It has been my experience, and I know this is a blinding glimpse of the obvious, that when I am willing to step into change, the universe aligns in some new way to accommodate the possibility of whatever change I’ve chosen.

For instance, for the first year in a long time, I wrote not quite new year’s resolutions, but two lists suggested by my step-daughter Judy. The first list is a To Do List–the things I should accomplish this coming year. I’m enthusiastic about some of these, and feel obligated to perform others. The second list is my Passion List–what I really want to do this year.

Some of the things on my to do list:
1. Finish my coaching certification
2. Lose the 10 pounds I’ve put on in the last year.
3. Begin Yoga classes again.
4. Clean office

Some of the things on my passion list:
1. A writing project yet to be determined
2. Make more videos
3, Meditate daily

Funnily enough, last night at my local International Coach Federation Chapter I heard a similar message from Jeanna Gambellini http://www.masterpeacecoaching.com. Her brand is the Law of Attraction, and her message is do only what you love, find fun, and gives you energy. This message is so aligned with the facilitated material from Living Your Values, the workshop I’ve started.

Since January 1 I have started private yoga lessons, resigned from two boards, begun to weed through too much stuff in order to find which stuff I actually want, and watched the videos I’ve made for my website. I have meditated perhaps three times a week and I’m committed to finding out more about living in alignment with my values and with enjoying my family and my life much, much more.

Live: Appreciative Coaching and Asset-Based Thinking Workshop

When

February 25 – 27, 2011

Where

611 S. Van Ness Ave.
San Francisco, CA 94110

Live

Appreciative Coaching and Asset-Based Thinking Workshop

Price

$400 – 2 Books Included

Live Workshop With Lead Author Of Appreciative Coaching

Come to San Francisco in February for 2.5 days of energizing new research and practice! Put more positive energy into your own life and your coaching with others. Learn to live the 3:1 positivity ratio for yourself and your clients. Appreciative Coaching AND Asset-Based Thinking (2 Books included at a value of $120)

Lively, engaging, participative learning and practice at the low price of $160 per day ($400 for the 2.5 day workshop)

February 25-27, 2011
611 S. Van Ness Ave. (second floor above auto repair shop)
San Francisco, CA 94110

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!

Current brain research as described by scholars and writers such as David Rock and Srinivasavan Pillay, MD, tell us that training our minds to see the best in ourselves and others actually helps us achieve our goals. If we want to earn a certain amount of money, achieve a calmer presence with our clients, or engage our partners in a more intimate and loving relationship, we can do this with more ease and enthusiasm.

This workshop uses the neuroscience and organizational research behind Appreciative Coaching and Asset Based Thinking to help YOU train your mind and achieve what you most desire in 2011.